Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over addiction and alcoholism, and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Our experience as members of FRSA Anonymous is that, without realising it, and with understandable determination not to give up on the suffering of our friends and relatives, who through no fault of theirs were afflicted by something so powerful, we proceeded to go to any lengths to save the addicts and alcoholics, thinking that this must surely be possible.
As a consequence of experiencing pain again and again we finally came to see that we couldn’t help, and that our own mental and emotional condition had deteriorated without our realising it. We then made the decision to seek help.
Many of us had experienced pain and unhappiness during our own childhood. Understandably we decided that with everything around us seeming to be so chaotic, we had to be strong. Those of us who may not recall having had a painful childhood were nevertheless so badly affected by the addictions and drinking of others that we could not see how our own mental and emotional well being had been seriously adversely affected.
Hope only came when we were finally able to take Step 1 and admit that addiction and alcoholism were too powerful for us to control or manage. Our own lives had become unbearably unmanageable.
We came to realise that Step 1 had to be renewed on a daily or even hourly basis. At first we thought that intellectual understanding was sufficient to alter our thinking and hence our behaviour in relation to the addict and alcoholic. We did not, initially at least, come to terms with the fact that it had taken years for us to get to the point of having a rock bottom ourselves. Without realising it, our memory had become somewhat lacking. Our obsession with the addict or alcoholic made the power of obsession a habit that had to be gradually reduced through patient and courageous reminders.
We discovered that Step 1 is the most important step, without which the other steps could not be adequately practised. We found that as we continued with the rest of the steps we had to keep coming back to Step 1. Humility to accept this is essential to our own healing process, which is what the entire programme is about. To facilitate our own healing we saw that all we had to do was to seek a daily reprieve and that this, as it reflected humility, was the surest guarantee of a spiritual journey. This also made the healing process manageable and free of denial.
Step 2
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
The key words in this step are ‘came to believe’. This suggests a gradual coming to believe. This is understandable given our recent experiences with the addict or alcoholic. We kept being disappointed time and again in our attempts to stop the addicts and alcoholics using or drinking. We tried praying to God to help us with this. We admitted we needed help, which we thought God could provide. We finally felt that it was all down to us, and our determined belief that we at least could not give up. We proceeded to continue with what we thought was our duty to help the suffering addict and alcoholic to see the harm they were doing to themselves. After failure after failure, we changed tack and thought that maybe our appeal to the addict or alcoholics good nature might do the job. We pointed out repeatedly to them the harm they were doing to us as a friend or relative. Again we were met with no success. Promises were made by the addict or alcoholic only to be broken.
Finally we admitted that we were getting exasperated and increasingly desperate. We began to see that our own mental and emotional balance was badly affected. Our obsession with the suffering of others rendered us unable to keep appointments, to care for our children or be there in a caring capacity for ourselves and loved ones. We gradually came to see that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again, despite all the experience and evidence that it was not working other than for a limited period. Sometimes, understandably, and without realising it, we became self-absorbed with succeeding or failing with the addict or alcoholic. What started with definite altruism turned into self-loathing for failing to do what we thought was caring. Only time would tell us that sometimes our condition was caused by constant exposure to the addict or alcoholic’s behaviour. Some of us began to see that we may have been led to focus on rescuing others because of our own experience as children which had been left unexamined.
We then asked a reasonable question; how could a Higher Power do for us what we could not do for ourselves? Those of us with faith in God gradually came to see that the problem was not asking God for help, but having expectations of God. The idea that we had to humbly admit to ourselves that one could not expect God to listen to our demands gradually became clear. Whatever we did for the addict or alcoholic had to be done unconditionally without expectations either of them or of God. By the time we came to the fellowship this was impossible and we had become compulsive in our continued attempts in not giving up on the addict or alcoholic in our lives. We needed to detach with love. With the support of continued attendance at meetings, gradually we found that this was not only possible but imperative. Some of us including those who were agnostics or atheists, came to believe in the power of Unconditional Love as a Higher Power that could restore us to sanity.
The question as to how exactly this Higher Power could restore us to sanity continued to baffle us for some time until we acquired the humility to accept that our compulsive tendency to deal with matters using will power could not win because we had become self-obsessed in focusing on how we were doing in our quest for spiritual progress. We found that only something that doesn’t lead us to focus on how we were doing to enhance our spiritual progress could facilitate our healing process over which we had no control.
We finally found that only the idea of connecting to the power of Unconditional Love by serving it could facilitate our healing. Some of us found this to be the secret for the understandably self-obsessed people we had become. To become whole had to be left to the Higher Power of unconditional love. We sought sanity at last, and the unconditional acceptance of others exactly as they were at any moment in time. This realisation was born out of pain and repeatedly having expectations of ourselves and others. Sanity at long last was possible by seeking a daily reprieve from understandable self-centredness and enjoying the reprieve through surrendering into the serving of the Higher Power of Unconditional Love. Those of us who have no problem with God and are believers, found that our relationship with God had to be based on an unconditionally loving God who expected us to help ourselves by serving God, as we understand God.
Step 3
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
The words ‘made a decision’ once again underline the fact that the programme is based on our freedom to choose. We can decide not to do what this step suggests if we so choose, the entire programme is about choice and is in no way compulsory. There is no time limit as to when, if at all, we choose to take the step. We are always free at any time to try out taking the step. The freedom to do the step or not is entirely up to the individual member of Friends and Relatives of Substance Abusers Anonymous.
Some of us were initially alarmed at the prospect of handing our lives and will over to the care of God. This seemed a tall order after our repeated and desperate prayers to stop the substance abuser using or drinking seemed to be consistently unanswered. We ended up thinking that maybe God expected us – through our will power – to patiently, and without giving up, continue our determined attempt to make the difference in the substance abusers life. This is understandable and required all of us to have nothing but compassion for this understandable perseverance. Some of us finally came to the conclusion that freedom from substance abuse was not possible using human free will and will power. At this point we began to see that perhaps we were praying with expectations of God. In other words, without realising it, we were asking for our wills to be followed by God. One major hurdle was that because of where we were coming from as children, trust was somewhat lacking. Finally, out of exhaustion and unbearable mental and emotional pain, we let go and let God.
Harking back to Step 2 some of us began to admit that through no fault of our own, and understandably, we have become self-obsessed regarding our success or failure in making a permanent difference in our loved ones lives. Sometimes we turned to non-substance addictions to cope with our ‘failures’ which helped us to remain in denial for some time longer.
Through, at last, hitting rock bottom with pain, we admitted our self-absorption. We saw that self-centred obsession would only be reduced by focusing on serving a power greater which some of us began to see as the Power of Unconditional Love. Now at long last we were able to be in complete control because only we could decide at any point to start again in serving Unconditional Love, which we began to call God, as we defined God. Those who believe in a conventional God learned that they had no choice about letting Go and Letting God and, with acceptance of their human limitation, began to feel peace and a sense of healing for the first time. Of course there are inevitable now I see it, now I don’t moments because we were dealing with compulsive habits of the past. As long as we were able to have compassion for ourselves and not condemn ourselves at any point, healing for ourselves and compassion and non-judgementalism towards the still suffering substance abuser made our lives at last more manageable. We could finally, and without feeling guilty, enjoy our own lives and become satisfactorily productive. Forgetting and then remembering again became easier and easier with the passage of time.
Step 4
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
The fact that Step 4 is about a ‘moral’ inventory of ourselves can give some members the jitters. There is however, no cause for alarm. As with the previous steps we are free to do the step in any way that suits us as individual members.
Some of us found that doing it with the focus on right and wrong – which is how the word moral is usually used – was the most useful way of going about it. As long as this approach was not used to beat ourselves up this was helpful. While adopting this approach it was useful to remember that all the steps have one thing in common, to deal with the barriers that stand in the way of dealing with our understandable self-obsession. That could only be managed by surrendering to God’s will through serving God as we understand God. For those of us that approached the Step in this way, this meant that defects of character and shortcomings were of the essence of this step. We then interpreted this step in terms of what harm our defects have caused in terms of ones enlightened self interest and the healing process.
Some of us achieved this through writing about our life story and identifying the situations and events when our defects were significantly responsible for causing pain and regret. Dealing with our guilt was, in part, what this was all about. With God’s help and a clearer conscience, we were then able to get desirable changes in our character. Others members of Friends and Relatives of Substance Abusers Anonymous found that, in practice, it was difficult to achieve the objective of serenity and peacefulness through this conventional way of approaching Step 4. Instead we came to believe that there were in fact no defects of character, only negative tendencies which when activated by fear, drove us to act out compulsively. We found that a reprieve from these tendencies was what Step 4 was all about.
In common with the more conventional method, this approach shared the reasoning behind the need for Step 4, which was to deal with our inevitable fear, so that we might better serve God as we understand God. This God sometimes took the form of Unconditional Love.
Through a practice that involved the admission of our negativity and having an attitude of compassion towards oneself, we were then able to have compassion for the so-called perpetrators of unloving acts towards us. When we approached the writing of our life story as an open and ongoing process, without the need for a ‘once and for all’ completed version, we were able to leave it open so that time could make our understandable fears recede. Then, with the passage of time more incidents from our childhood and later life could be recalled. This could help us not to be burdened by unacknowledged guilt for which there was no reason.
Some of us questioned the notion of guilt, finding it inaccurate when talking about compulsive behaviours. We saw that our own compulsive actions needed to be considered in exactly the same way we perceived an addicts using or drinking. We saw that the drinking and using by our friends and relatives were not blameworthy conscious decisions but an illness. In common with Alcoholics Anonymous’ belief that recovery is not about ‘bad’ people becoming ‘good’ but unwell people finding healing, we proceeded to facilitate and contribute to this healing through compassion for the understandable compulsive behaviour in ourselves and others. Whatever type of Step 4 we undertook, as long as the purpose was closely adhered to i.e. dealing with our understandable and inevitable fear-based actions and thoughts, the process lent itself to making life more enjoyable by living in the moment. Patience and willingness was all that was required. The old compulsive behaviours took time to change.
Step 5
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Throughout our childhood most of us have been told how wrong we were. Some of us found it helpful to see this step as helping us to come out of denial, which fear makes a frequent recurrence.
Fear, as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous claims, underlies all so-called defects of character and our manifestations of these fears, ‘wrongs’, therefore could be interpreted as self-inflicted and unintended mistakes that resulted in self-harm.
There are, of course, some amongst us who would maintain that one should call a spade a spade and say ‘wrong’ means ‘wrong’ and that there should be no side stepping this important issue since this is the only way one could be responsible and honest. This is for some the only way of addressing what is meant by ‘wrong’ in this step.
We as members of FRSA Anonymous, say each to his own. What works is what matters. If it works for you then it is right for you. Admitting our mistakes (intended or not) to ourselves is the only way to come out of denial about our self-inflected wounds and proceed to rectifying our behaviour. This admission is similar to the admission required in Step One. Without this sort of admission it is not possible to further contribute to our healing process. As long as we reminded ourselves that this is not about increasing our guilt or beating ourselves up, it can only be of benefit to us. Why admit to another human being that which we have tried for years to hide even from ourselves? Our experience is that a problem shared is a problem at least halved. Having carried the burden of guilt for so long, the relief we experienced in adhering to this suggestion was too great for words to express. We were no longer alone. We could now rejoin the human race. This experience of sharing our anxieties, perhaps with a sponsor, made it easier for us to better look after ourselves. In the end this is a ‘do-it-yourself’ programme, but we do not have to be all alone. Although we have to do the work ourselves, sharing our difficulties and getting feedback helps us to see things in perspective. Given what our childhood was like or our experience with the substance abuser was or continues to be like, we often need to check in with someone who has taken the journey themselves. So while the initial sharing of our Step 4 with someone else constitutes our formal Step 5, any sharing at a meeting is still in the spirit of Step 5. Indeed, sharing is the basis of Step 5.
Sharing in the aftermath of a formal Step 5 has the added value of renewing our commitment to ourselves. Our experience is that if we do not do this, it is harder to do what we need to do for ourselves. Procrastination becomes all too common. We are not too good at taking prompt action after spending a lifetime of not putting our well being as a top priority. It seemed easier to make ‘helping’ others a priority. It sometimes puzzled us as to why we needed to admit to God, as we understood God. Surely God did not need to be told. God surely knows anyway. The word God keeps appearing again and again in the program and the Steps. This is to remind us that it is a spiritual programme and hence a God-centred and not a self-centred enterprise. Throughout the Steps we need to be reminded that serving God is the only way of properly looking after ourselves. Finally in Step 11 this is given full emphasis. Looking in depth at ourselves is not to encourage self-obsession but for the more beneficial task of removing obstacles that stand in the way of the pleasure and freedom that can be experienced through serving God as we understand God. So in Step 5 we are reminded that admitting to God is about putting first things first. Our experience tells us that we cannot be reminded of this too often.
Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Why, we may ask, do we have to become entirely ready to have God remove these so-called defects of character? In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, upon which all 12-step programmes are based, it is stated that ‘half measures availed us nothing’. The step says ‘entirely’ because the original authors of the program understood only too well that due to our fears this lack of complete willingness to trust God was an obstacle to our healing process. They understood that these fears and hesitancy in trusting God were completely understandable given our previous attempts at desperate prayers that seemed to go unanswered.
The painful experience of FRSA Anonymous members is that we need to let go of our resistance if any positive relief is to be felt. Those of us with religious definitions of God found that in the end we had to let go and let God. Those of us with an understandable difficulty in dealing with God perhaps took a little longer in surrendering to God’s will, but, since the program left us free to define the God of our own understanding this made it possible to think of God as the Power of Universal Love, or Unconditional Love. When enough pain was experienced we learnt that only serving the cause of Unconditional Love would enable us to let go of understandable worry about life in general and self-obsession in particular.
It is useful to remember that Step 2 mentions that coming to believe in a Higher Power is a gradual process. Newcomers can relax in the knowledge that there is time for any spiritual understanding of Step 6. It took many members of FRSA Anonymous time to come to believe that the word God was a spiritual tool rather than a religious concept. Some newcomers and even some old timers continue to see the FRSA Anonymous group as their Higher Power because the sharing in the group enables all members to be reminded that it is possible to get a reprieve from ‘defects’ of character.
Many members of FRSA Anonymous came to see that so-called ‘defects of character’ were just our fears expressing themselves through negative tendencies and even unintended self-harm. Most of these negative tendencies were compulsive thoughts and actions to ward off fear and guilt. Again Step 2 makes it clear that no conventional approach could deal with something as powerful as addiction and abusive drinking. Eventually members of FRSA Anonymous came to see with clarity that addiction and abusive drinking as well as defects of character could not be removed by ourselves in one fell swoop.
Consistency on our part in seeking a reprieve rather than seeking ‘progress’ would enable God, however we defined God, to remove, just for today, our negative tendencies or ‘defects’. We came to see that we had to use God as a tool and needed to serve God on a daily basis to obtain this reprieve from these self-harming tendencies. Without this moment-by-moment surrender the old patterns of behaviour led only to despair and self-pity. Consistency about our taking responsibility for our self-care through surrendering our understandably misplaced will power made it possible for our Higher Power to enter into our lives to give us just for today, a reprieve from despair. We could then look forward to another reprieve the next day. We then were able to enjoy our daily reprieves in the confident knowledge that our reprieves held the key to what was manageable and assured. As one of AA’s twelve promises suggests, we came to believe that serving God, as we understood God, would do for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Revisiting aspects of Steps 1-5 also prepared us to become entirely ready as suggested by Step 6. All of the steps have a unity of purpose in dealing positively with the inevitable negativity we came into the program with. We found that by regularly reminding ourselves of the discoveries made in the previous steps it became easier to be entirely ready.
Step 7
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
Humility is a common thread that runs throughout the 12 Steps. Initially some of us in FRSA Anonymous were put off by this concept that we associated with Uriah Heep’s creeping apologies: ‘I’m ever so sorry’. In time we began to gradually realise that the founders of the 12-Step programme understood that, out of fear, we had hung on to our egos in order to survive. Our childhood experience and all the chaos around us understandably made us feel that we had to be strong. We suppressed our fears and with determination stayed strong for as long as we could. Many members are surprisingly grateful to God for this determination, without which we could easily have succumbed to the suicidal thoughts that stemmed from our despair and desperation.
The idea that the ego was just fear writ large took some time to sink in. It was fear of what others would think of us that often made us masquerade as ‘strong’. Only when we had experienced extreme emotional and mental suffering as the result of this so-called strength did we finally admit that we had to surrender or collapse. Humility, born out of desperate pain, led us to begin to see the benefit of letting go of this front we had adopted out of necessity. We finally came to realise that a lot of the program was about making admissions that afford us relief and the beginnings of a sense of freedom. Through our own sharing at meetings, and listening to the sharing of others, we understood the central paradox of the programme; that by admitting our weakness we receive a strength that is not our own. Then, as we let go of our egos a miracle happened; we actually felt stronger.
In Step 1 we admitted to the unmanageability of our lives. In Step 2 we saw the ‘insanity’ of doing the same damaging things again and again and expecting a different and more positive result. In Step 3 we accepted that our ‘self-will’ and will power had availed us nothing. In Step 4 we came to see how our compulsive behaviour led us to make unintended mistakes. In Step 5 we admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our mistakes. In Step 6 we acknowledged that we could only get relief from self-obsession through serving God as we understood God and thereby let go of our self- inflicted negative tendencies, one day at a time. In Step 7 we continued to act in the belief that a spiritual life meant that we had to embrace ‘humility’ while serving the God of our understanding. For some of us this meant serving the power of Unconditional Love, a power that we were able to call God. Others who believed in other definitions of God began to see why the emphasis in Step 11 was on finding out what was God’s will for us, and simply asking for the strength to carry that out. It is hardly surprising that the whole of Step 11 in the Twelve Step literature of Alcoholics Anonymous is focussed on the prayer of St Francis. As with Step 6, humility demands that we seek relief from our own negative tendencies just for today. This emphasis on a temporary reprieve keeps denial at bay, and keeps humility alive in us one day, one hour, one moment at a time.
Step 8
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
The experience of FRSA Anonymous members has been that it was important to separate Step 8 from Step 9. Step 8 was the pause step. It acknowledged that to proceed headlong with Step 9 was usually met with unfortunate results, harmful to others as well as to ourselves. Like with all the other preceding steps it had to be stressed that Step 8 – like all the others- was aimed at removing the obstacles that prevented us from serving a loving God, a service that was the means of facilitating healing in ourselves. Some members of FRSA Anonymous see Step 8 as imperative in order to take responsibility for our past actions. Scrupulous honesty demanded a complete list of harm done to others whether the harm was inflicted knowingly or unknowingly. This some of us saw as the only way of becoming honest in today’s dealings with others. These members then reflected on their past with the aim of thoroughly dealing with all stains inflicted on one’s character over the course of one’s whole lifetime. Needless to say such a list took time to construct and time to become willing to make amends. The aim was to clear our conscience of all guilt. Adherence to practising the prior seven steps was taken as essential to the task of becoming willing to make amends to all on the list. Those of us who believed what has been hitherto outlined had to adhere to the demands of this approach to cleanse consciences and keep one’s side of the street clean.
Other members in FRSA Anonymous took a slightly different approach. They came to see that most of their past actions were compulsive with very little choice, just as substance abusers and alcoholics have no choice in acting out their compulsions. These members did not see Steps 8 and 9 as a means of making amends to others and hence the list was limited to one name; themselves. Seen in this way, all our past behaviour was neither right or wrong, neither good or bad. It was instead the result of the inevitable blindness that accompanied our actions. Desperation rather than blame was pivotal. Preparing the list – even if it consists of only one name – still required the pause that Step 8 suggests. Time was required to see more and more clearly that we mainly inflicted harm on ourselves. This is not to deny that others could have been adversely affected by our compulsive actions, but we did not blame ourselves for this. It was only with the awareness of choice (which only happened after quite some time in the fellowship) that we were able to discern our unloving behaviour that hurt. Then we refrained from unloving behaviour and even unloving judgemental thoughts so that we avoided causing hurt to ourselves and others. The benefit that was gained from this approach was that we ended up being less judgemental of those we felt had inflected pain on us, the significant others we once may have seen as the perpetrators. We ended up feeling less resentful towards others as we found that any resentment primarily hurt us. Whichever approach we adopted towards Step 8, only through experience could we decide what worked for each of us. Sometimes it happened that we started with one approach and ended up with the other. We were free to try either approach on the basis that what worked for us was what was right for us at any particular point in our journey and healing process.
Step 9
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 9, in common with all the other steps, helps us to remove all possible obstacles to doing Step 3 and 11 in such a way that maximises the potential for our healing process.
The suggestion in this step is that we must consider whether any amends we might make may hurt the person on the receiving end, or others. Such a weighty consideration proves that the pause suggested in Step 8 is more than justified. We need time to carefully investigate the possibility that others were injured. This does take time.
As we found in Step 8 there are two approaches that members have taken to this step. Some members believe that they have indeed caused hurt to others for which they are responsible. These amongst us carefully looked at our list from Step 8 and proceeded to make direct amends to those on the list without evasion. This took many of us a long time, but it had to be done. We searched out those on the list and, one by one, apologised to each person. By following this procedure we sought to keep our side of the street clean and considerably reduce any guilt that still remained within us. Some members of FRSA Anonymous take the view that this has to be done no matter how long this takes or how difficult it might prove to be. Others of us have taken a different approach to this step. We came to see that we were not guilty of any harm done to others but had, in fact, caused a great deal of harm to ourselves. We found that because most or our actions prior to coming into FRSA Anonymous had been compulsive – without any choice in the matter – we could not consider ourselves as ‘guilty’. These amongst us came to see that to ascribe guilt to ourselves would mean seeing ourselves as bad rather than sick. Doing so would therefore mean denying that we had an illness.
Our experience has been that to take on blame is to harm ourselves and others. It means blaming ourselves for the illness. We also found that if we did blame ourselves we inevitably began to blame the addicts and alcoholics in our lives. We would see them as guilty, not to be excused until they had made amends to us. Blaming ourselves or others hampered our healing process and denied the truth that our illness really is an illness. This step is a means of making amends to ourselves without being judgemental towards ourselves or others. We make amends when we sensitise ourselves to ourselves by being more and more compassionate towards self and others, especially the addicts and alcoholics in our lives. We began to humanise both the addicts and alcoholics we know. We became more able to fulfil the will of God as we understand God which is to serve the Power of Unconditional Love. This corrected our tendency to self-harm and instead encouraged our healing process and, one day at a time helped us to enjoy our daily reprieve.
Step 10
Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Step 10 continues the removal of obstacles to doing Steps 3 and 11 enabling us to gain the maximum from the spiritual 12-step programme.
Some of us in FRSA Anonymous chose the more traditional way of doing Step 10. We looked deeply at our Step 4, our work in Steps 8 and 9 to get an insight into our negative tendencies that we acted out. We got into the habit of apologising promptly if we went off track in our behaviour to others. We did it promptly so as to avoid procrastination and to prevent our wrong doings from going underground as a result of forgetfulness. We apologised promptly to the person we felt we had hurt so that person would feel better, and we would feel the burden and weight of guilt and uneasiness lifted. Others in FRSA Anonymous found that doing what is indicated above would leave us exhausted since it would leave us constantly making amends and apologising for every little misdemeanour. There would be very little time for the much-needed healing to take place in us. The lack of unconditional love in our childhoods had led us to an inevitable self-obsession. This self-obsession, born of fear, was almost constant and often led some of us to self-harm in many different ways. Beating ourselves up without any relief tended to be the outcome. Healing from this came through a moment-by-moment serving of the God of our understanding.
Similarly many of us in FRSA Anonymous could not quite go along with the concept of ‘wrong’. Instead they replaced the words ‘when wrong’ to ‘when unloving’ which seemed to work better. No blame was then attributed to ourselves or others. It was clear to those amongst us that most human actions of a negative nature take the form of compulsive thoughts and actions. It seemed to make purposeful healing much easier because we could catch ourselves and admit when unloving, and change course immediately to the benefit of both the so called injured party and ourselves. A real change in both thoughts and actions made us more aware of desirable feelings that can only be described as healing. To those who followed this understanding of Step 10, being non-judgemental of ourselves and others seemed a better option. Admitting to ourselves would make us aware of our inner goings on without condemnation. Most human beings, we find, are only too human and, given half a chance potentially – if not actually – very beautiful. It is only our perception and judgemental thinking that makes serving the Higher Power or God of Unconditional Love out of our reach at any given moment. When we surrender the right to be judgemental, it becomes infinitely more possible to live contentedly in the moment.
Step 11
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
Steps 3 and 11 are pivotal to the programme of Friends and Relatives of Substance Abusers Anonymous. All the steps are related to this crucial step upon which is based the clear statement that the programme is a spiritual programme.
Step 11 successfully deals with our understandable self-obsession on a daily basis through the concepts of reprieve and consistency. The Steps from Step 4 to 10 have the singular purpose of making Step 11 more effective for each of us.
It is not surprising that the chapter on Step 11 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous focuses on the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi. The prayer states clearly that God’s will is for us to gain peace of mind and even joy through the service of the God. Fortunately we can interpret the concept of God as we wish; whether it is the God one prays to or God as the power of unconditional love. The prayer states:
Lord make me an instrument of your peace Where there is hatred let me sow love Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith Where there is despair, hope Where there is darkness, light And where there is sadness, joy
O divine master grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardonedAnd it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life.
The need to focus on a loving God or the power of unconditional love as a means of taking the focus off self-centredness is often borne out by the practice of meditating on what unconditional love or a loving God means to those of us in FRSA Anonymous.
Prayer for those who see God as the power of unconditional love usually means seeing the practice of loving thoughts and actions as prayers in action. For those in FRSA Anonymous who see God as a loving God – as spelt out in Tradition 2 – means using conventional prayer as a means of reminding ourselves of an easily forgotten and essential focus.
By now it should be obvious to newcomers who many be agnostic or atheist that Step 11 is within the reach of everybody, but regular reminders of the need for prayer and meditation – in whatever form – is possible for everyone. Meditation is seen as a way of gaining emotional balance while obtaining a reprieve from the negativity or understandable worry that has its roots in our childhood experiences. Often meditation is about focussing on the slogans, one of which is Let Go and Let God. This need to let go is implied even in Step 1. The members of FRSA Anonymous find that reminding ourselves of the importance of Step 1 is often an appropriate form of meditation because Step 1 more that any other step answers the question: ‘Why God?’ Reminding ourselves of the importance of Step 1 is part of the meditation suggested in Step 11. All members of FRSA Anonymous find that the consistent practice of Step 11 is essential for their spiritual well-being.
Step 12
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to friends and relatives of addicts and alcoholics, and to practise these principles in all our affairs.
It has to be stressed that all the steps are done on an ongoing basis and that our experience suggests that one keeps having spiritual awakenings while addressing each of the steps right from step one onwards. The phrase ‘as a result of these steps’ needs to be seen as a continuing process rather than a flash of lightning experience. Our experience suggest that all the steps have a sense of unity about them. For those who attempt to use the steps they are each and every one of them seen as a means of getting us to an ever deeper understanding of the spiritual nature of the programme i.e. they all are the solution for understandable self-obsession given the fear emanating from our childhood experience. All the steps are seen as a means of enjoying serenity and peacefulness at an increasingly consistent basis.
There is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous – upon which the programme is based for all Twelve Step fellowships – that you cannot keep it unless you continue to give it away. Our experience is that helping newcomers to help themselves is part of this practice of gratitude. Gratitude and humility are the positive values that keep us free from fear one day at a time – even one moment at a time sometimes. Humility and gratitude are some of the principles mentioned in this step. These values make it easier and pleasurable to serve the power of unconditional love or God as you understand God. Through the practice of connecting to God as we understand God, and through our commitment to serve this God, life becomes often enjoyable.
Without humility, the value that the steps underline, loving is not possible. The talk of love will ring hollow and more importantly of little use to us. Our experience using the programme is that remembering with gratitude the pain that made us finally surrender our self will is very important to enable us to have compassion for ourselves and the newcomers. Carrying the message to those who are still suffering helps us just as much as the newcomer. This has been our experience. Our regular use of step one makes us better equipped to carry the message to the still suffering friend or relative of addicts and alcoholics. Our experience as members of FRSA Anonymous is that our twelve step programme is that there is probably several spiritual awakenings or re- awakenings as each day we marvel at the miracle of being a day at a time much happier and more contented than when we first came into the programme. We come to see more and more with humility, Promise number 12: ‘We finally realise that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves’.
Friends and Relatives of Substance Abuser's Anonymous 